How to Get Through A Breakup
Breaking up is never easy. Whether it has been instigated by you or someone else, there is no linear path for how you may feel, or how you will move forward. The breakup process is incredibly subjective. For some, the pain and hurt of breaking up, especially in a long term relationship, can feel like the absolute end of the world. Whereas for another person, it may feel like a weight has been lifted from their shoulders.
When it comes to how to deal with a breakup, sadly, there’s no one-size-fits-all approach. Each person’s path is unique to them, but what’s most important to know is that whatever you’re feeling is ok. Your own journey of healing, post breakup, may not necessarily follow what you are expecting, so be gentle with yourself as you process this big life change.
The Journey of Breakup: Understanding the Phases
Breakups run much deeper than you may think. As with the grieving process, there will be a range of different emotional stages, which can be helpful to understand. When it comes to how to cope with a breakup, each of the stages will help you to process the loss you feel when dealing with a breakup.
The 5 Stages of a Breakup
Many people wonder what to do after a breakup, but the truth is, every person’s experience will be unique. Experts agree that despite this, there are 5 common stages you are likely to experience when getting over a breakup:
Denial:
The first emotion that is often felt is a sense of denial. You may feel in shock and even disorientated. Although your brain has received the information, your body is not yet ready to accept that this is reality. Instead, its initial defense mechanism is to go into denial, being unable and unwilling to process what has happened. If a person denies what is happening, they won’t need to process harder, deeper, more painful emotions. Instead, this denial phase acts as a layer of protection, so that they can keep functioning.
Anger:
Once reality begins to set in, a person might start to feel a whirlwind of emotions. From anger, to frustration and resentment, there may be all sorts of feelings that begin to rise up. It’s always important to feel your feelings, especially negative emotions, which need to be released. The issue with feeling emotions such as blame - either for your ex-partner, or yourself - is that this can become a coping mechanism in itself. Feeling these emotions and then letting go of them, will be a much healthier way of processing what is happening.
Bargaining:
When we receive news that shocks us, such as with a breakup, we may begin to desperately seek a positive resolution. As humans, we naturally try to fix things through negotiation, or even use other desperate measures to restore the relationship. This bargaining stage sees a person living with false hope that the breakup can be reversed.
Depression:
At this stage, mourning of the relationship properly begins. As the stark reality of this huge life change hits, a person may feel lonely, depressed and even experience feelings of worthlessness. This is a time to be gentle with how you’re feeling, trusting that this stage will pass, and life will feel good again.
Acceptance:
It takes a long time to recover from a breakup, and whilst the process is ongoing, this stage sees a person reaching a level of acceptance. It may feel a little like there’s light at the end of the tunnel, as realization sets in that life goes on. Whilst there may have been feelings of hurt and pain for a long time, it will feel much more manageable than it did at the beginning.
The Time Factor: How Long to Heal?
Many people wonder how to get over a breakup fast. If there is a lot of pain, it’s especially appealing to try and hurry the healing process. But the timeframe of healing from a breakup simply can’t be predicted. For some, they are able to move on fairly quickly, and for others, the pain continues for much longer. There is no set amount of time, it will simply take as long as it takes.
The Mythical Time Rules
These time rules may help to provide some structure when wanting to know how to deal with a break up:
The 3-Day Rule:
This concept states that there should be 3 days without contact after a breakup. This gives both people room to breathe, and allows for emotions to begin to process. Whilst this rule is often cited for its benefits, it also has potentially problematic elements, especially for those who are already living together.
The 3-Month Rule:
Many experts swear by the 3-month rule, believing that this is an ideal timeframe for gaining perspective. These 90 days should be used to focus on yourself, taking time to process all the emotions you may be going through, and leaning into self-care. For some, this structure provides the ideal amount of time to take stock, reflect on feelings and process any anger and hurt. For others, life happens quite differently, and this time may see them taking a completely different path.
Practical Steps to Navigate Through Breakup Grief
There are practical steps you can take when you’re trying to navigate how to get over a break up. From supporting your emotions, to leaning on friends and family for support, there are lots of ways to remind yourself that you are not alone, and that you will get through this challenging stage.
Addressing Lingering Emotions
Whilst you may find yourself moving on with your life, there will likely be lots of emotions that have yet to have surfaced. When we don’t feel our emotions, they can become stuck in the body and cause physical issues. Here are some ideas for addressing these emotions:
Granting Yourself Permission to Feel
It can be tricky to know how to process the emotions you are feeling. Sometimes we overcomplicate things and try to push our feelings down, especially if they are very uncomfortable, or we begin to feel unsafe. Remind yourself that it’s ok to feel whatever you’re feeling. And that allowing yourself to grieve, cry, or even be angry, will be a therapeutic part of the process.
Writing A Letter (But Not Sending It)
Another idea is to write a letter. This is a really cathartic way to express and let go of anything that is on your mind. Writing down our feelings, or documenting events, can bring us clarity about things that have been on our mind. This is of great benefit, even if the letter isn’t shared with anyone.
Building a Support System
When a romantic relationship ends, you may be left feeling isolated and alone. This is the time when it’s most important to build a support system around you. Here are a few ideas:
Reconnecting with Friends and Family
Surrounding yourself with loved ones is a great way to nourish yourself, and can act as a healthy distraction too. Perhaps your friend or family member may offer you a new perspective when it comes to how to get over a breakup, or simply remind you that you are loved by people outside of your relationship.
Considering Professional Help
Sometimes negative feelings pile up and it might be helpful to gain fresh insights, and even coping mechanisms, from an unbiased professional. It may benefit you to speak with someone away from your personal life, who can offer an alternative perspective.
Activities to Elevate Mood
It’s natural to find your mood is flat after a breakup. But when it comes to how to get through a breakup, there are things that you can try to elevate your mood, and help your own healing process. Here are a couple of ideas:
Using Free Time Productively
You may all of a sudden find you have a lot more time on your hands than you had before. Use this time to explore new activities, perhaps learn a new skill, or find a new hobby. It’s possible to channel the pain that you are feeling into these ideas, and this in itself can be very healing.
Meeting New People
The thought of meeting new people might seem scary at first, but expanding your social life will help you to start a new energetic chapter in your life. This new phase is the beginning of rediscovering yourself, and having new experiences.
Mental Health Post-Breakup
It’s always important to keep an eye on your mental health post-breakup, and ensure you are holding space for yourself. Here are some ways you can ensure your mental health stays a priority:
Recognizing Negative Emotions
Be on the lookout for any negative emotions that begin to spiral. Mental health issues can be easily triggered by the experience of a relationship breakup, so it’s important to keep an eye on your mental health in general.
Adopting Wellness Practices
Wellness practices are a perfect way to support mental health. Meditation and mindful breathing are good options to keep you grounded, and anchor the mind when times feel unsettled. Regular journaling is another supportive practice that is good for self-reflection.
To Stay Friends or Not?
When a breakup ends amicably, it’s possible that both partners may want to stay friends. This is often less simple when a breakup doesn’t end well, and perhaps only one person in the relationship wants to remain in touch. Deciding whether to try to remain friends can be a dilemma in the long run. On the one hand, you may still feel close to this person and share many experiences and memories. But on the other hand, keeping this person in your life may hamper your healing process, and lead to potential misunderstandings between the 2 of you. Spend time considering your own needs and which option you feel most comfortable with.
Key Takeaways
Breakups can be shocking, devastating, or in contrast, even freeing. Whilst it’s hard to remember when you’re in the thick of it, healing is an inevitable part of the journey, which will see your life opening up to experiences and paths that you could never have imagined.
As you work through the stages of healing, you’ll likely find yourself growing in new ways, and expanding your self-awareness, which can only serve you well in future relationships. Breakups are tough, but so are you. Be gentle as you move towards this brand new and exciting phase of your life.