Codependent vs Interdependent vs Dependent vs Independent: What's the Difference?
The way we connect with others plays a big role in our lives and can shape our experiences, decisions, and overall well-being. Codependency, interdependency, dependency, and independence are different ways that people relate to each other, and each one affects relationships in its own way. Knowing the differences between these can help you to build healthier connections and grow as a person.
In this article, we’ll explore what these terms mean, how to spot codependency in relationships, and how you can overcome codependence and build healthy interdependent relationships. As an experienced author and coach in personal development and relationships, Gareth breaks down codependency vs interdependency, giving you the support and tips you need to foster healthier relationships.
Understanding the labels
We all relate to other people in different ways. Some people rely heavily on others, some prefer to do things on their own, and others find a balance between the two. Understanding the differences between codependent and interdependent relationships can help you to build healthier relationships. Read on to discover what each of these terms mean, and how they can show up in everyday life.
Dependence
Dependence means relying on others for support, sometimes leaving you in a position where it’s hard to manage things on your own. You may rely on others emotionally, financially, or physically for support, and struggle to handle life’s challenges.
Dependence is different from independence, where you’re able to be self-sufficient and manage on your own. It’s also different from codependency, where two people become reliant on each other in an unhealthy way.
Whilst dependence is about relying too much on others, the other terms focus on healthier, more balanced ways of connecting.
Codependence
Codependence is when someone depends too much on another person for their happiness, self-worth, or identity. They may ignore their own needs, struggle with personal boundaries, and focus on people-pleasing.
If we look at the terms codependent vs interdependent, codependence differs from interdependence. It isn’t the same as a healthy, balanced relationship where both people support each other and stay independent. It’s also different from dependency because it often means losing your sense of self. Unlike narcissistic abuse, where one person is in control, codependence is more about putting others’ needs ahead of your own.
Struggling with codependency can be overwhelming, but there are ways to break free. Discover how to stop being a people pleaser and start setting healthy boundaries today.
Independence
Independence is being able to think, act, and make decisions for yourself without needing constant support or approval from others. It means being self-sufficient, taking responsibility for your choices, and maintaining good emotional and financial stability.
Independence is different from other relationship dynamics. In interdependence, people support each other but still have their own space and identity. Whereas codependency is an unhealthy dependence because one person relies too much on the other for their sense of self worth. Dependency means needing help or support, but it doesn’t always mean losing yourself like in codependence.
Finding independence is crucial, but sometimes we need guidance on how to achieve it. Learn the best tips to gain confidence and boost your self-esteem for a more independent life.
Interdependence
Interdependence vs codependent relationships show key differences in how people rely on each other. Sometimes mistaken for codependency, interdependence is when people rely on each other for support but still keep their independence. It involves mutual respect, trust, and sharing responsibilities, allowing people to grow together while staying true to themselves.
Interdependent relationships share support while at the same time maintaining their own identity. Codependent and interdependent relationships differ significantly. Interdependence helps create strong, healthy relationships where both people can stay true to themselves, vs codependent relationships, where one person depends too much on the other.
Take a look below at our quick interdependence vs codependency comparison chart:
| Characteristic | Dependence | Codependence | Independence | Interdependence |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Emotional support | Relies heavily on others | Depends on others for self-worth | Able to handle emotions without relying on others | Mutual emotional support and maintains individuality |
| Self-sufficient | Struggles with self-sufficiency | Lacks self-sufficiency, reliant on others | Self-sufficient and able to handle challenges alone | Both people are self-sufficient but share support |
| Boundaries | May struggle to set healthy boundaries | Lack of boundaries and often sacrifices themselves for others | Strong, healthy boundaries and maintains independence | Respectful boundaries that balance personal space and closeness |
| Personal responsibility | Avoids taking responsibility for personal challenges | Avoids taking responsibility in favor of focusing on others | Takes responsibility for own actions and decisions | Shares responsibility while respecting personal choices |
| Relationship balance | Unbalanced, relying too much on others | Unhealthy, where one person relies too much on the other | Independent, not reliant on others | Balanced with mutual respect and support |
| Personal well-being | Can be neglected due to reliance on others | Often sacrificed to please others | Focuses on maintaining personal well-being | Personal well-being maintained while also supporting each other |
Look at your emotional responses
“Relationships are the greatest source of learning for the soul, but they can trigger fears and bring up emotions we didn’t expect.” - Gareth Michael
Your emotions can tell you a lot about a relationship. Paying attention to how you feel and how the people around you react can help you spot signs of codependency within a relationship.
The first step is to become aware of what you're feeling. You might start to recognise what triggers certain emotions, how they show up, and whether they feel healthy or not. You can also begin to notice how your partner or other people in your life react emotionally in different situations.
Here are some common emotional responses that can help you to spot a codependent relationship:
Fear of abandonment
If you feel anxious at the thought of being left alone or you fear rejection, this could be a sign of codependency. Feeling upset when you're not with your partner, or worrying all the time about losing them can be a sign of this also.
If fear of rejection is a recurring theme in your relationships, exploring 10 tips to handle rejection might provide valuable insights.
Jealousy
If you find yourself feeling threatened by your partner’s friendships or activities, this could point to a deeper issue. Extreme jealousy can come from insecurity and a fear of not being enough.
Possessiveness
Feeling like you need to control what your partner does or who they spend time with can indicate a lack of trust. This often stems from a deeper fear of being abandoned or rejected.
Difficult processing your feelings
If you have a hard time identifying or expressing your emotions, it might be because you’ve learned to ignore them and put others' feelings first. In codependent relationships, one person’s needs often take priority over the other person’s.
Having your mood dictated by someone else
If your partner’s bad mood brings you down, or you only feel good when they do, it could be a sign of codependency. Your mood shouldn’t depend entirely on someone else’s.
Feeling like your emotions aren’t valid or important
If you often feel like your feelings are ignored or dismissed, you might be in a relationship with codependent patterns. In healthy relationships, both people’s emotions are valued and respected.
If you believe you’re in a codependent relationship, you may need to seek professional help. Mental health treatment can guide you in setting boundaries, building self-esteem, and creating healthier relationships.
For those seeking a deeper understanding of relationship dynamics, exploring how to build trust in a relationship can be a beneficial next step.
Think about boundaries
When it comes to codependence vs interdependence in relationships, boundaries are important. Many people struggle to recognize when boundaries have been overstepped, and a lack of boundaries can lead to feeling detached from who you are, and resentful. Here are some questions that will help you discover whether you need to reassess your boundaries:
Have you given up things you enjoy because of someone else?
Healthy relationships should support personal growth, so if you find yourself giving up hobbies, interests, or friends because of someone else, it may be time to reassess boundaries. Ask yourself whether you are happy to make these sacrifices, or whether they are leaving you feeling unfulfilled?
Do you struggle giving opposing points of view?
If you feel scared to voice your opinion in case it causes upset or conflict, your boundaries may not be firm enough. Feeling unable to express yourself can harm your emotional well-being and leave you with less genuine connections with others.
Are you prioritising someone else’s needs over your own?
Prioritizing others’ needs and consistently neglecting your own can be a strong sign that you are not upholding boundaries. Recognizing when you are saying “yes” instead of “no” can help you to reclaim your time and energy.
Learning to prioritize your own needs is crucial for healthy relationships; consider these self-awareness strategies to help you reclaim your autonomy.
Do you feel overly involved with someone’s life, personally or professionally?
It can feel overwhelming when you feel like you’re responsible for another person’s happiness. It’s natural to want to support loved ones but there’s a difference between being supportive and becoming consumed by their problems. It’s important to recognize when you’re carrying burdens that aren’t yours.
Are you able to make your own decisions, or do you look for your partner’s approval?
Being independent is important in a healthy relationship. If you often need approval before making choices, it could mean you doubt your own judgment. A strong partnership allows both people to make their own decisions while respecting and supporting each other.
Pay attention to how you communicate
Communication is important in a healthy relationship. Paying attention to how you express yourself and how your partner responds can help you to understand whether your relationship is supportive or less healthy.
Consider how comfortable you feel when it comes to expressing your needs. It’s important that you’re able to share any thoughts or feelings without feeling worried about feeling judged. If you often hold back for fear of how your partner may react, it could be a sign that communication is an issue.
Are you in a situation where you feel like you’re constantly being blamed or criticized? When criticism is constant, it can damage self-esteem and create an unhealthy atmosphere within the relationship. If it gets to the point where you feel like nothing you do is ever good enough, it’s worth reflecting on the way you are being spoken to.
Be aware of any passive-aggressive behavior or tendencies. Instead of speaking about issues directly, a person may use passive aggression such as sarcasm, ignoring the other partner, or subtle comments to express their anger or frustration. Communicating in this way can lead to confusion and emotional distance within the relationship.
If you often feel like you’re worried about saying the wrong thing or are trying not to upset your partner, this may be because there are deeper issues that need addressing. Likewise, if you find yourself frequently apologizing to keep the peace, even when you haven’t done anything wrong, it can indicate that the relationship dynamic is unhealthy.
A healthy relationship should allow both partners to express themselves, feel heard, and resolve conflicts in a respectful way. It should be a place of comfort and security, rather than fear and anxiety.
To dive deeper into understanding your emotions and their significance in relationships, explore our guide to spiritual healing to gain clarity and balance.
Consider your self esteem
"We’re often trying to find love in a relationship when we don’t even have a relationship with ourselves.” - Gareth Michael
Your self-esteem levels have a big impact on relationships. If you find yourself in a codependent relationship where you are overly dependent on someone else, it can really wear it down. When your happiness and self-worth depend on another person, it’s easy to start feeling lost or not good enough.
Your self-worth shouldn’t come from what other people think. When your confidence depends on how others treat you, it can feel like an emotional rollercoaster, leaving you unsure of yourself. Take some time to consider how you feel when others approve or disapprove of you. Does your self-worth depend on this?
If you're struggling with fluctuating self-esteem, uncover how you can boost your self-worth and enhance your relationships.
Do you ever feel like you’re not enough? Feeling like you’re not enough can leave you trying to prove your value in relationships, for fear of someone leaving if you don’t meet their expectations. Your worth isn’t something that needs to be earned - you are already worthy.
Learning to trust yourself takes time, especially if you’re used to relying on others to help you make decisions, or you’ve been made to feel your choices don’t matter. Doubting yourself can leave you lacking confidence when it comes to making your own choices, but the more you listen to yourself, the more in-tune with yourself you will feel.
It’s important to take a look at your inner dialogue. Are your thoughts full of self-criticism, telling you you’re not good enough? Sometimes these thoughts can become louder than those around you. How you talk to yourself matters just as much as how others talk to you.
Sometimes, we might find ourselves staying in unhealthy patterns because we think we deserve it. It’s important to remind yourself that you don’t have to put up with mistreatment or feeling unvalued. Your self-worth isn’t something another person should control, and a healthy relationship should help you grow, not make you feel small.
Understanding the dynamics of a codependent relationship
In a codependent relationship, two people often rely too much on each other, creating an unbalanced dynamic. One person might need constant emotional support, while the other may become too controlling. Within these relationships, certain roles can begin to emerge, and understanding more about these can help us to work towards making healthier connections.
Understanding toxic behaviors is crucial for healthier relationships. Discover how to recognize and overcome self-sabotaging habits today.
Here are some of the different archetypes you might find in a codependent relationship:
The enabler
The enabler is someone who tries to help others, often at the cost of their own needs. In a codependent relationship, the enabler gets into the habit of constantly rescuing their partner or making excuses for their behavior. This allows the enabler to feel needed, but their partner becomes more dependent. This creates a cycle where both people rely too much on each other.
The caretaker
The archetype always puts others' needs first, often ignoring their own. In a codependent relationship, the caretaker focuses on making sure their partner is happy and taken care of, but neglects their own needs. The caretaker becomes worn out, and the partner becomes too dependent on them.
The rescuer
The rescuer always tries to fix or save their partner, even when it's not needed. While it comes from wanting to help them, it can make the partner too dependent on them. The person playing the rescuer role can feel exhausted, and the partner may struggle to handle things on their own.
How do you turn codependency into interdependency?
So now we’ve learnt about codependency versus interdependence, we’ll start to look at the ways that you can address codependency and build a stronger, healthier, and happier relationship with your partner that’s more focused on interdependency.
Turning codependency into interdependency is about creating a healthier, more balanced relationship where both partners can support each other without losing sight of who they are. Here are some ways that you can address codependent issues and work towards building a relationship based on mutual respect, trust, and independence:
Step 1. Identify the issues and acknowledge the codependency.
First you must recognize the codependency and commit to open, honest communication about the issues you are facing. Identifying unhealthy patterns is important so that you can begin to make changes, and build a more balanced relationship where both partners can grow together.
Step 2. Work on setting clear and effective boundaries
Healthy boundaries help both partners to stay true to who they are. By having clear communication and respect for each other, you can create a space where both people feel safe and valued.
Step 3. Make self care one of your main priorities
Taking care of your emotional, physical, and mental health will help to keep you feeling strong in the relationship. Prioritizing your well-being allows you to be more present and supportive for your partner, without over-helping them.
Step 4. Develop ways to communicate more effectively
Learning to express your thoughts and feelings, while also listening to your partner, helps prevent misunderstandings and strengthens your bond. Effective communication creates a space where both partners feel heard, respected, and understood.
Effective communication can transform your relationship dynamics. Explore how to build trust and improve communication with your partner.
Step 5. Understand and respect each other’s feelings and opinions
Understanding and respecting your partner’s feelings and opinions, even if they’re different from yours, builds trust and respect. This helps to make both of you feel valued and strengthens your connection.
Step 6. Set time aside to reassess and adjust your processes regularly
Setting time aside to check in with each other helps to make sure you are staying on track. This gives you the space to make any necessary changes, and ensure you're both maintaining a healthy balance in the relationship.
Step 7. Acknowledge your progress
Celebrating the small wins along the way can keep you motivated and allows you to appreciate the positive changes you've made. This shared experience also further strengthens the relationship bond and encourages you both to keep growing together.
Learn more about dependency dynamics and self prioritisation with Gareth Michael
Understanding and overcoming codependency is a journey that takes time, self-awareness, and effort from both partners. By noticing unhealthy patterns, setting clear boundaries, prioritizing your self-care, improving communication, and regularly checking in with each other, you can start building a healthier relationship based on mutual support.
Want to learn more about codependency and interdependence, and putting yourself first? Check out this episode of the Practical Spirituality Podcast with Gareth Michael:
For more guidance, tips, and personal growth resources, check out the Gareth Michael blog to continue your learning.
