Let Go of Control: How to Learn the Art of Surrender
In today’s busy world, it’s easy to feel like we need to control everything around us. Whether it’s our jobs, our relationships, or our dreams, we often try to manage every detail. But sometimes, the most profound realisations come from letting go of that need for control. What if true peace comes from letting go of control?
Gareth Michael has spent years studying mindfulness and personal growth, discovering how surrendering control can lead to a more peaceful and fulfilling life. He believes that when we stop trying to control everything, we create space for true happiness and connection.
In this article, we’ll look at the reasons behind our desire for control, and give you the best tips for how to let go of things you can't control. Whether you're looking for peace of mind or more balance in different areas of life, learning how to let go of control can help you live a more fulfilling life.
Why do we feel the need to be in control?
The need to be in control is common for many people and often stems from our desire to feel safe and secure. When we are in control we feel less vulnerable and more confident about what’s ahead. Life can be unpredictable so this is just one of the reasons why having control makes us feel more stable and prepared for whatever challenges might be around the corner.
Our attachment style can influence how much we try to control, especially when driven by negative emotions such as fear. For example, people with anxious attachment may control things to feel secure in relationships, while those with avoidant attachment may use control to avoid having to be too vulnerable. Clinical Psychologists believe that these patterns often form in early relationships and go on to influence adult behavior.
For those curious about the spiritual significance of past experiences, explore how they can influence your current state of being.
For some people, past experiences can make them want to control their environment to try to avoid further pain. And for others, control is used as a way to prove themselves and boost their self-esteem.
A person who feels a strong need to manage and control situations is often known as a “control freak.” They might believe or fear that things won’t go right unless they are in complete control. Often, a person struggling with control and surrendering can be a perfectionist, and finds it hard to trust in other people. Whilst the person may feel it works for them, this can be intense to be around and can lead to strained relationships.
If you're struggling with perfectionism, consider exploring how to overcome people-pleasing tendencies to foster healthier relationships.
Different people feel the need to control different areas of their lives, depending on their personal experiences. For some, the focus might be on controlling things at work, making sure everything is done their way. Others may focus on relationships, struggling to relinquish control. Some people over-plan, trying to control uncertain things, like their health or the future.
It’s not always easy to tell if you’re being too controlling. You might feel stressed or upset when things don’t go your way, or find yourself micromanaging situations, or giving advice without being asked. Taking time to reflect on your actions can help you to see if you’ve crossed the line from being helpful to being controlling.
Controlling behavior can show up in different ways. A person might insist on making all the decisions, spend time criticizing others, or struggle giving up control, getting upset if things don’t go their way. Other signs include micromanaging people, giving advice without being asked for it, or attempting to control someone’s opinions. These behaviors usually come from fear or insecurity, rather than a genuine desire to upset others.
Is the need for control a bad thing?
The need for control can be both a positive and negative thing, depending on how it shows up in your life. On the downside, wanting to control everything can cause stress and anxiety, especially when a person feels like they have to manage every little thing. For example, someone who tries to micromanage everything at work might end up exhausted and frustrated because they’re taking on far too much.
Being too controlling in relationships can eventually lead to problems. When one person constantly takes charge, it can leave the other person feeling undervalued. When this goes on for a long time, the relationship can become strained, especially if the other person feels they aren’t heard or valued.
To enhance communication and connection in relationships, delve into the concept of love languages and how they can improve emotional bonds.
The need for control isn’t always a bad thing. There are some situations where it can be helpful, such as when it brings structure and order to things. For example, a person who is great at organizing and planning might help to make sure a big event runs smoothly. They might also use that sense of control to stay on top of their goals, like keeping track of spending or sticking to a daily routine.
As with many areas of life, it’s important to find the right balance. Knowing when to step back and trust others helps to take the pressure off and allows you to focus on what really matters, including your own thoughts, feelings and responses. When you achieve a balance, the need for control can become a strength instead of a weakness.
For insights on maintaining balance in relationships, explore tips for building trust to strengthen your connections.
Letting go of things you can’t control
Letting go of what you can't control is important when it comes to feeling more at peace. When you focus on things you have no power over, it can lead you to feel anxious and frustrated. No matter how much energy you put into worrying or trying to change these things, they are out of your control. This overthinking can drain your mental and emotional energy, leaving you with negative thoughts that stop you focusing on the things that matter.
Moving your attention to things you can control will help. Perhaps you aren’t able to control how someone else reacts to a situation, but you can control your own response to it. You can’t control how much traffic there will be on your way to work, but you can choose to leave earlier to avoid potential stress. When you stop fighting this, you focus on what’s within your power instead of wasting energy worrying about things you can’t change.
As Gareth Michael says in his Practical Spirituality Podcast, "Control feels safe, but surrendering opens up space for personal growth and transformation." Learning to let go of things you can't control takes time and practice, but keeping your focus on what you can control will help you to feel more prepared to deal with life’s challenges. Practices such as mindfulness or meditation can be helpful for gaining perspective.
5 tips to help you let go of control
Knowing how to give up control can feel challenging, but it’s an important part of lowering our stress levels and feeling more relaxed. Here are some tips to help you start releasing control:
1. Learning the art of surrender
By learning to surrender, you allow yourself to let things unfold on their own, instead of trying to force a specific outcome. This can help you to learn to trust the process, knowing that things will work out as they are meant to. It can also create room for you to release the old and welcome fresh opportunities into your life. As Gareth Michael says, "True surrender is about releasing what no longer serves you."
2. Practice mindfulness
Mindfulness is all about staying in the present moment and letting go of the need to control what’s ahead. By focusing on your breath and grounding yourself in the present moment, you can quiet the feeling of needing to control everything. This practice is one of the healthier coping mechanisms, which helps you relax and stay present to situations as they appear.
3. Set realistic expectations
Sometimes we try to control outcomes because we are focused on perfection. If we can learn to set more achievable goals and accept that things won’t always go as planned, we will feel less pressure to control everything. We can embrace anything unexpected as it comes, with more ease.
4. Delegate to others
It can be hard to let go of control, but delegating tasks to others can help you get used to taking a step back. Trusting others with responsibilities not only frees up your time but also teaches you that others can handle things just as well, even when it’s not done exactly how you would do it.
5. Accept what you can’t change
Certain things are out of our control, such as the weather, other people’s choices, or things that have happened in the past. Accepting this can help us to focus on the things we can change and let go of anything we can’t. When you learn to let go, things you can't control are no longer a source of stress. This shift in perspective can ease frustration and help you focus your energy on the things that matter.
How Spiritual Guidance Can Help You Let Go Of Control
Letting go of control is a journey, and spirituality can provide you with valuable tools that can help you along the way. Spirituality helps you to stay grounded in the present moment and accept that whilst things may be uncertain, you can learn to trust life’s flow and release the need to control the things that are beyond your reach.
If you’re ready to learn more, Gareth’s Practical Spirituality Podcast dives deeper into these themes, offering insights and tools to help you surrender control and find peace. Check out this episode on learning to surrender:
You can also listen to the Practical Spirituality Podcast on all popular platforms:
